Springbonjo

You are supposedly to be different, yet same. But you have proved yourself incapable. I could lash out and be no more than you, but why stoop to your level?

Disappointed you are like this, but hey, at least I found out now. You always bad mouth people… what about yourself? Are you that perfect? Is doing such things your way of expressing yourself?

I have no comments. You can go ahead living your life the way you are.

Yes, you are wonderful and perfect. What a specimen you are you know, queen of bitch.

Crying out love in the centre of the world- a novel I would like to read.

Browsing in bookstores, walking in the rain. Star gazing. Beach strolling. Chain smoking. Coffee drinking. Getting a flower. *coughs.

Clubbing, getting drunk. Mahjong and YZ and Nick and Jy. Movie- going. More of my sista Jessica. And Fang, Jun, Gina darl.

Sitting down at the airport, where I last lost you. Or to be more specific, started to lose you.

Shop, go to far flung places. See Cam Honey and Jas Jam ( a new nick for you!) and Kitty so much I will get sick of them. (I doubt so.) I need my Honey and Jam and Kitty daily!

Irrelevant note, I never thought I would lust after branded goods, but I wish I had a chanel quilted bag… and as I mentally calculated how long before I would get $2000 for one, I was like, Oh. My. God. That’s why you should never say never. But needing a camera for school is enough to saddle me down. And my expenses. Horrifying.

things to do in my wonderful holidays, starting from tomorrow. Oh of course I have lurking projects to be done too.

Of going to Singapore Art Muesuem to take photos, then Chjimes. Disturbing my teacher. Hehe. I so love cameras and photography. Went into the Chapel of Chjimes. The most pretty place ever. Asked the cleaning lady, “A wedding here?” Yes, just yesterday, she replied. And I gazed dreamily at the rose petals on the floor… The stained glass. The stacked chairs and litter on the floor do not disfigure the beauty of the place, but rather emphasize on it more. God and Jesus, the last supper. Made the place so sacredly beautiful. Was doing my work, shooting and all. And I felt happy, with the song Boston tinkering on Portia’s mobile, the sun shining beautifully outside. The chandeliers so grand, the ceiling… And my faith and religion are a wonderful piece of art. Told Yang, “I want to get married here with Melbourne boy!” A smile from him at my child-like candidness.

Stoning at Starbucks… then to dreary tedious meaningless ceramics.

I am happy like, you know.

Being kinda tired- but I am very lucky, to have a rocking class and friends.

:)

Had a fantastic Saturday night with Jas Cam Kitty and Fiz.

Censor censor, said crush. It’s cute how they’re concerned for me. I am fine, because I have you all.

Conversations and kiddy antics, my tears for Portugal’s loss. Lamings and stoning because Cam tekan us at 7am cuz Fiz din sleep and she thinks he don’t dare to sleep. Wah lau.

Thump thump thump. Coughs, failure to elaborate. Oh that.

Had a rocking time. A blast.

My problems now are just money… like everyone else right?

It is hot- the fan was locked in another direction that woke me up in 5am. It was with reluctance to bed- though I was exhausted.

Perhaps- I don’t know why am I unhappy… but I feel choked up. Actually I do. And then the whirlpool of things come back to me, but my auto-” I’m happy” filters it out- and I’m blank.

Blink.

Invisible- Ashlee Simpson

Like a grain on the beach
Like a star in the sky
Far too many to count with the naked eye
They won’t see you

Go ahead
Walk on by
You don’t know I’m alive
Maybe one day you’ll find
You should open your eyes
You don’t know me

[Chorus]
You’re the one who looked right through me
Now you’re saying that you knew me
When I was invisible
And you’re the one who walked right through me
Now you’re saying that you knew me
When I was invisible

Little things adding up
Try so hard not to rush
Giving in, letting go
Of the world we know
They won’t see you

Force it down
Lose the taste
They all think it’s a waste
We don’t need to believe every word they say, no
They don’t know me

[Chorus]
You’re the one who looked right through me
Now you’re saying that you knew me
When I was invisible
And you’re the one who walked right through me
Now you’re saying that you knew me
When I was invisible

It’s so easy to be lost
But maybe you’re not lost at all

Do you recognize me?
Do you know who I am?
Do you see me now?
Do you see me now?

[Chorus]
You’re the one who looked right through me
Now you’re saying that you knew me
When I was invisible
And you’re the one who walked right through me
Now you’re saying that you knew me
When I was oh
Invisible…
Like I’m invisible…
Like I’m invisible…

I’ve been unhappy lately. Really really unhappy. It seems the sunshine(s) of my life has forgotten to shine on me. Day by day passes, with nothing accomplished.

Dieting was horrible, was rapidly losing holiday weight, but I got dizzy and weak by the drastic amounts I was eating, or rather not, and PMS kinda saved me by causing cravings and huge appetites.

It’s funny how a really good start is just in sight, merely just days away to start school. It’s surreal. I’m cautious not to repeat mistakes I made- personal issues that clouded the better judgement of me. I must be more disciplined, and have an unaffected mind for me to do my best in my studies, actually I would be fine if I managed to wake up on time and not skip any classes at all.

Attendance and discipline. I used to do so well in those areas that I forgot it’s really the foundation of being a good student.

$6.50 for a new thing or free for a repeat? Complimentary tickets are a pain if it’s like that. Ticket for one, seat for one in a cozy java joint to watch the world go by, but I’m fidgety restless and have my coffee always on the go. Scurry and bustle, for what when I don’t know why I’m rushing- a habit that sickens me. Panic when huge crowds, peak hours but feeling comforted when lost in the crowd. Faces that you don’t know, but eyes of judgement so familiar. Uneasiness when it’s harmless staring, but detesting the impressions assigned and often wrongly so. But you’re so proud you no longer cower and break down, but you give back a steely gaze, a faceless look, blank because you’ve mirrored the one looking back at you.

You don’t care anymore.

Solitude, I’d rather, is bliss.

Pessimist speaks:

Suddenly a thought dawned on me… that things are meaningless, as in plans and phases (work then school) are but temporary. That tomorrow is still blank and bleak.

That everything is but for now, the food you eat will be a second of joy.

Enters Optimist with burst of sunshine.

Oh piss off pessimist… you know you will kill me. Celebrate and smile even when you feel not like it. And GO TO CHURCH on Sunday please…

Pessmist: Back still hurts, or maybe not. Or something. I don’t know-

Optimist: I am so bored I am reduced to conversations with myself. or at least half attempts to write a play, script.

My head hurts, my stomach is having the runs again. My mind is restless, my mouth turned a constant upside down, only my s0ul is soothed by a current favourite song Savin’ Me by Nickelback on the radio.

I was having a dream- I was planning a binge even in my dream. I wanted to eat fries, I was going to take a bite of the fries from Long John’s when I was dragged back into reality. My colleague calling and waking me up from my sleep, asking me to take over her shift. Working exhausts me. I hesistate because I was supposed to go to church… but church doesn’t exhaust me. I was like, damn it, I so want fries now. But now I don’t.

I’m still looking for another job to sap every energy I have. Sure, it’d lead to another breakdown because I really can’t be too tired out, but at least my mind is surprisingly free. Let my body break, as long as the soul is free.

Food: 2 bowls maple pecan cereal, 1 coffee.

Yest: 2 cartons carrot juice, 1 an-pan bread, 1 can coffee.
day before: 1 cream raisin pastry, 1 energy drink, 2 cans coffee,
mon: 1beer, 2 cans coffee, 1 can veg soup.

You can see I’m barely eating nowadays, waking up and working the whole day. Bingeing doesn’t count. Oh and did I mention I lost like, 2 kg from my bout of diarrhea. Goodie.

I’m having diarrhea- went coffee crazy, and I heard this friend in my clique has been spreading rumors about me and another guy- apparently we have something going on.

There is nothing to piss me off better then to spread untrue things about me. He didn’t pick up my calls for me to clarify stuff, instead he told Ben I scolded him. Yes, by calling him when he didn’t even pick up, and not replying a polite msg, it’s considered “SCOLD”.

I have no time and energy to entertain him- I can call him a dozen names but I know you’d be pissed off cuz he’s your best friend.

I’m close to breaking point- work is draining me. Not enough sleep drives me crazy- the household seems to be reliant on me, and after a long day seeing the piled up dishes and laundry to be done and hung out. You can throw the clothes on the floor, repeatedly swear as you snub your ingrown toenail countless times, throw things around to vent your frustrations, that is, if throwing clothes are a dangerous sign of anger management. Laughing so hard at some lame programme named Word’s Craziest videos, then finding yourself shedding tears as abruptly. Having a sick stomach and not being able to eat, because you’re sick of all the nonsense. And when you do, you just undo it.

Not enough sleep- I’m so scared of relapsing.

*

Regarding some confession of mine to you, I cannot dictate how exactly. I can’t possibly tell you everything, spell everything for you. The fact you need to ask so much, shows it’s not mutual. I can’t possibly refer, cross refer to the one you think you like.

No matter what, to like is to be in hand with pain and hurt. It’s my own doing- I don’t want your guilt. I don’t even know what’s your answer. But I choose to leave it, not returning to it anymore.

*

Power is strength over time, as Oprah says. I sure hope it does for me.

*

Tired physically, shattered and bruised mentally. There doesn’t seem to be much meaning, other then slogging on, shutting out everything and feel nothing.

I gaze out of the window by my seat on the train to the foreign landscape, my stomach empty but not hungry. The scenery that sped me by- it’s really me speeding by since I’m on the train, but still- it is oddly comforting; things change too quickly for it to capture a place in your heart. Flash, you blink and the momentary vision of what you see in sight is gone. You blink and you’re not sure if it was true, that whether you had indeed seen it or it was just a figment of your imagination.

Thoughts flood my mind. My spirit is cowering- I thought I knew you, how wrong and self-assuming I was. A commuter walks past my seat and I glower with displeasure. Out of the corner of my eye, I knew he was looking at me. It should be a crime to even look, what an invasion of privacy. I hated him there and then although I didn’t know him at all- because I never know what he would be thinking as he judged me, and that itself is enough a reason to give a scowl to a total stranger who may have just casted a harmless gaze while passing by.

I return back to my thoughts, thoughts that taunt me as vivid memories, recounting events as clearly as they happened to affirm your assumptions, or to prove you wrong entirely.

I had been living in a world of my own, to assume and be selfish. I thought I was important enough to you- my words carried enough weight, but evidently not. I didn’t mean to stress you, I just wanted you to tell me, whatever I was upset about I was the one who meant alot more then that girl who just knew you. I have no right to keep repeating the subject you tried your best to explain to me it wasn’t what it seemed- but it made me uncontrollably jealous, and I could only convey my suffocating hurt like that. I wanted to be the one whose words carried weight, but then again you kept reiterating it wasn’t your choice. Still, the picture is frustratingly vivid and detailed- things that provoke your emotions stay painfully clear.

With a sudden jerk of my head, to try to look back at the scenery that passed me by. Its for a split second of frentic looking back, desperate clingling on to the moment, before the train travels onward as always, and the scenery you tried so hard to remember is now what you left behind.

Looking back to remember what I saw- but nothing stays and nothing remains, but just resentfully knowing nothing lasted for you, nothing stayed for you.