Springbonjo

I would like to show you a picture I took- but since my bill is unpaid my line got cut off so no mms. Got off work after only an hour and a half, because I was too tired.

A funny sort of day, I could get used to this. I am frustrated, I only want my projects to be done with-

Could it be any tougher?

The smell of vomit on my shirt.

The song repeating on my MP3 player- yeah I got one. It’s me and you- like how I deleted most of your messages, 3 months ago. How time flies…
On the cafe pavement, I read through your messgaes and deleted them. But some, still touched my heart.

TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART
Bonnie Tyler

Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit lonely and you’re never coming around
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit restless and I dream of something wild
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit helpless and I’m lying like a child in your arms
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit angry and I know I’ve got to get out and cry
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you’ll only hold me tight
We’ll be holding on forever
And we’ll only be making it right
Cause we’ll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don’t know what to do and I’m always in the dark
We’re living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever’s gonna start tonight
Forever’s gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I’m only falling apart
There’s nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there’s only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

Turnaround bright eyes
Turnaround bright eyes
Turnaround, every now and then I know
you’ll never be the boy you always you wanted to be
Turnaround, every now and then I know
you’ll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am
Turnaround, every now and then I know
there’s no one in the universe as magical and wonderous as you
Turnaround, every now and then I know
there’s nothing any better and there’s nothing I just wouldn’t do
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you’ll only hold me tight
We’ll be holding on forever
And we’ll only be making it right
Cause we’ll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don’t know what to do and I’m always in the dark
We’re living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever’s gonna start tonight
Forever’s gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I’m only falling apart
There’s nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there’s only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

[message on voicemail:] Hi Justin! This is your mother it is 2:33 on Monday afternoon. I was just calling to see how you were doing. You sounded really uptight last night, it made me a little nervous, and a little, well it made me nervous, but it sounded like you were nervous too. I just want to make sure you are really okay and wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication too. You know I love ya and take care honey. See ya. Bye Bye!

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There’s a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? it is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “how can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

The rumble of the skies above, the pattering of the raindrops outside. Sometimes I feel like not closing the windows and letting the rain get in- I want to see how wet can it get-

I asked for nicotine patches and the pharmacist was like, How old are you??? Haha, means I look YOUNG and ppl still call me “Miss” contrary to what I dread. I’m age- sensitive alright. And in case you’re wondering the nic patch, well it’s for people- I discovered more then one person around me has been smoking all these while. I’m thinking of fagging too- just cuz I want to.

KL trip- but kinda blew it off, since I don’t think there’ll be veg. Went to see doc- I think he sucked, cuz I told him I was constantly fatigued and he was like “Ok, give you some vitamins” but didn’t even bother to tell me why.

I hope if it’s a terminal illness, you’d be the one I’d sue your ass off. I wonder how doctors like these got their degrees.

The sound of cars passing by on the wet roads, it’s comforting.

Soundtracks I adore currently:

I love Embrace, previous songs by them such as Gravity is as beautiful as this one.

Nature’s Law
by Embrace (UK)

You should never fight your feelings,
When your very bones believe them,
You should never fight your feelings,
I have to follow nature’s law.

One feat U2 by Mary J.Blige- I think I’m starting to like Mary J. Blige- love her voice.

Say something by Mariah Carey feat. Snoop Dogg

Savin’ me by Nickelback

I decided I love RnB and hiphop still despite the very not so good values and messages behind them- people are not as pure as I imagined, so vice it up.

As of today, I weigh 2kg less. I haven’t checked if its zero error. I don’t intend to. Ah, denial. Junk food is bad- I don’t want to touch it anymore. I RESOLVE TO NEVER TOUCH JUNK FOOD NO MATTER WHAT. Just a bite of it draws me back to it- my dieting is STILL in a plateau.

Watched Oprah’s 20th anniversary just now. I love her- she’s the epitome of compassion and all. She featured guests from her show in the last 20 years; I got to see Ku Klux Klan or whatever. I’m digusted, the first I knew of the existence of such white supremists was on Deb’s blog. Basically this bearded man named Dennis was like saying Nigger to Oprah’s face back and that his definition was people who made trouble. Dude, you don’t say chink to a chinese like me and think it’s referring to uncivilized/troublemakers, even I know that. But anyway, I think he was misunderstood.

Benny msged me last night. I told jun he’s loverboy material. No prizes for guessing who’s husband material.

Read Spiderman Blue before bed. Ah, bliss of comics.

Ben is home friday. Say yay.

The sun seem to shine really bright today- no particular reason to feel good but just do.

*

I think I ate something wrong- been shitting my guts out. Now that I can’t eat junk food I want junk food even more. Great.

*

I have never understood the extent women do for some things. Like the few times my judgement was imparred enough and I read chick lit and all or got closest to utter stupid oestrogen overload, they seemed obsessed with manicures/pedicures, waxing, shoe shopping, perfume. I mean- pedicure/manicure is just making your nails have more colour. I think it’s a waste of money. And waxing? I don’t do swimsuits nor need to reveal any of myself to anyone. Let it grow as long as it doesn’t see the sun. Shoe shopping- what’s with women and shoes? Sure, I like shoes- only to wear, not to have it as a fetish. I don’t do perfumes- waste of money and the bloody thing doesn’t stay on for long.

I did a pedicure on myself today- actually it was digging out an ingrown toenail; involving blood and all.

How feminine.

I do however advocate girly pleasures like shopping and bags, and I adore afew magazines like teen vogue, seventeen (us), vogue and vainity fair.

*

Sometimes, I think the only reason why I want something is cuz I want to spite others/out of my reach, but not cuz I really like it. Bad.

*

Placebo’s Song to Say Goodbye mtv made me cry. Lindsay Lohan’s Confessions of a Broken Heart made me cry. What a crybaby.

I love Ashely Parker Angel’s Let you go- Benedict likes that song too, he said it wasn’t bad when I played it to him. Was watching There and Back on Mtv- Ashely’s struggles to make it back again, he was one of the Otown dudes. I think he was much cuter back then.

*

Stomach’s till queasy. Now I want cereal.

Here we go

I got with somebody’s date
You’re like a Soap Opera cover
My lover self-automates
Juicy

You say a-somebody say
You’re like a salve for a leper
You’re sweet for somebody’s pain
Juicy
Aw, Juicy

Yeah, you got to live for your own
You say you got all the sordid details
Check-out retail
Watch it sell
Juicy
Aw, Juicy

I Gotta Delay

Mothers, children on the street
Can’t get enough to eat
Off the record
Dishes fly
Don’t know the reason why
Meet me in the check out stand
See who can be the lover man
Conscience bleeding in a song
Guilty as the day is long
Goodbye

Yeah, you got to live for your own
You say you got all the sordid details
Check-out retail
Watch it sell
I got to see that lie
You say what you’re going to say
You got to know it’s a bitter poison
Sapping all of your soul away

Yeah, Juicy
Juicy

Playlists are a challenge to me. I can’t get it right. It’s always the song is too loud, too sad, too fast, overplayed, underplayed.

And it’s always too many songs, from all albums, while I play only a select few over and over.

Playlists are a challenge.

Pussycat Dolls ft Will.I.Am- Beep

Chorus]
[Will. I. Am]
It’s funny how a man only thinks about the *BEEP*
You got a real big heart, but I’m lookin’ at ya *BEEP*
You got a real big brains, but I’m lookin’ at ya *BEEP*
Girl it ain’t no pain, let me lookin’ at ya *BEEP*
[Pussycat Dolls]
I don’t give a *BEEP*
Keep lookin’ at my *BEEP*
‘Cos it don’t mean a thing if you lookin’ at my *BEEP* (Hah)
I’m a do my thing, while you playin’ with ya *BEEP*
Hahahahahahaha

Every boys the same, since I’ve been in seventh grade
They been tryin’ to get with me, tryin’ to (hahaha hahaha)
They always got a plan, to be my one ‘n’ only man
Wanna hold me with their hands, wanna (hahaha hahaha)

I keep turnin’ them down, but they always come around
Askin’ me to go around, that’s not the way it’s goin’ down
‘Cos they only want, only want, my (nahaha nahaha)
Only want what they want, but (nahaha nahaha)

[Chorus]

Do you know that ‘no’ don’t mean ‘yes’, means ‘no’?
So just hold up, wait a minute; let me put my two cents in ‘n’ one!
Just be patient, don’t be rushin’ like ya anxioushin’, two
You’re just too aggressive, tryin’ to get your (Ahh)

Do you know, that I know?
‘N’ I don’t, wanna go
Yeh they only want, only want, my (hahaha hahaha)
Only want what they want, but (nahaha nahaha)

[Chorus]

Ooh, you got it bad, I can tell
You want it bad, but don’t yell
But what you got from me is somethin’ I, somethin’ I don’t need
(Hey)

[Chorus] x 2

Evening.

Yeah so great, I have got a fucking headache now. Got very pessimistic in the shower just now- just felt life is very meaningless and all, kinda fed up with my current life of stupid crap work and being very broke, old way of thinking. Mom called to say she’s buying Silk soy milk, actually wanted to buy Rice dream, and she didn’t know rice dream was rice milk, but “just the name “, and when I said, “DUH, that’s why it’s called RICE dream”, she retorted, “Then Silk (Soy) is made of Silk ar!” That woman.

But I’m bouncy happy now, just my head is killing me, I feel moody cuz I miss you know who. And Perfect One sprung into my thoughts while showering too.

I wonder what’s Ben doing now. It’s late afternoon over there I think.

I’m kinda praying TP accepts me so I can a bloody student again, and shake off crappy work, Nafa’s term starts about 6 weeks later. And actually lack sleep.

*

Yays, soccer tonight, both Chelsea in champions league and Real Madrid in La liga. Problem is both are 3.55am, at the same time. Ah well, I suppose I have to channel surf in between, simultaneously.

*

My Playlist- mixture of rock, hiphop, r n b and indie.

bon jovi- You had me from hello

bow wow feat ciara- like you

imogen heap- hide & seek

franz ferdinand- you could have it so much better

bon jovi- burning for love

franz ferdinand- the dark of the matinee

evanescence- my immortal

mary j. blige- family affair

nickelback- how you remind me

joseph arthur- honey and the moon

Watch out for negative thoughts; Don’t emphasize on bad moments.

We all fall down- but when you start feeling pity for yourself, blame and hate yourself, begin obsessing over who what when where why how made you fall. Tear your wounds, make it deeper: baby you’re in deep shit.

I realised this, maybe blogging made me look back too much, dwell too much on stupid things.

I forgot how to put things down. I made everything too personal. The phrase “Its nothing personal” didn’t register in my thoughts. It was always I wasn’t too good, they were too bad.

That’s why I focus on making this a happy blog. It took me awhile to think postive, to dump the pessimist shit label.

Pessimistics hold themselves down when others just shit all over them. Don’t. Kick their fucking asses, piss shit and laugh in their faces. Believe in fucking cliches.

Be happy. Pursue your passions. Cultivate patience and understanding.

It’s nothing personal; they can’t handle what a wonderful person you are. They’re jealous or sad people. Tell yourself that when you have mean stupid people.

Why should you not shine, when they try to deflect the sparkle in you?

You’re a gem. Out.

*

stayed up for soccer, real madrid. I still love them.

Beckham didn’t play for the game but was on the bench. Saw afew new faces.

The commentator with his wacky comments: “And it goes to the mooon!” when roberto carlos takes a free kick and it is way out of range. Made me smile.

And when we almost scored a goal, barely just on the goal line, he went, “WOO WOO WOO!!!” or something like that. So freaking funny la.

And the opposite goal keeper just fell into the side lines, behind the goal post when he was knocked over by one of the real players and didn’t get up but disappeared out of sight. I wonder why.

Anyway, game was a draw. But still.

I heart Real Madrid.

*
Some happy perky songs

weezer- island in the sun

franz ferdinand- do you want to

billy idol- mony mony

pussycat dolls feat will.i.am- beep

Where’d you go?
I miss you so
Seems like its been forever that you’ve been gone

She said somedays I feel like shit
Somedays I wanna quit and just be normal for a bit
I don’t understand why you have to always be gone
I get along but your trips always feel so long
And I find myself trying to stay by the phone
‘Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone
But I feel like an idiot, working my day around a call
And when I pick up I don’t have much to say, so

I want you to know its a little fucked up that
I’m stuck here waiting, at times debatin
Telling you that I’ve had it with you and your career
Me and the rest of the family here singing

Where’d you go?
I miss you so
Seems like its been forever that you’ve been gone
Where’d you go?
I miss you so
Seems like its been forever that you’ve been gone
Please Come back home

You know, the place you used to live
Used to barbeque with burgers and ribs
Used to have a little party every halloween
with candy by the pile but now
you only stop by every once in a while
Shit
I find myself just filling my time
With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind
I’m doing fine and I’m plannin’ to keep it that way
You can call me if you find that you have something to say
And I’ll tell you

I want you to know its a little fucked up that
I’m stuck here waiting, at times debating
Telling you that I’ve had it with you and your career
Me and the rest of the family here singing

Where’d you go?
I miss you so
Seems like its been forever that you’ve been gone
Where’d you go?
I miss you so
Seems like its been forever that you’ve been gone
Please Come back home

I want you to know its a little fucked up that
I’m stuck here waiting, no longer debatin’
Tired of sittin and hatin’ and making these excuses
For why you’re not around, and feeling sorta useless
It seems that one thing has been true all along
You don’t really know what you’ve got till its gone
I guess I’ve had it with you and your career
When you come back I won’t be here and you can sing it

Where’d you go?
I miss you so
Seems like its been forever that you’ve been gone Where’d you go?
I miss you so
Seems like its been forever that you’ve been gone
Please Come back home

Please come back home
Please come back home
Please come back home
Please come back home