Springbonjo

Mocha, in a paper cup, instead of the mug. I sit down in the chair of the cafe. It was here we first spent time togther, just the two of us, or an extra wheel, I do not recall. But the vital fact- you and me, here in this cafe. I had the same drink; it was with you, I think, I found my trademark drink.

Remember all those times we did our work, and feeling peace and at calm. That nothing is wrong with the world, that time could stop because things were fine, and you were in front of me. I didn’t have feelings for you, but it developed. And then, things faded. You made excuses, suddenly you worked better at home. Our times at the cafe, I think back and scrutinise, were perhaps just a way of filling your time.

I long for the times when nothing was known, you gave willingly and a friendship was blossoming. That you cared, you looked out for me.

The cafe started with you and me- memories of other friends, doing work with them make the place lift my spirits all the more how it reminds me of us. Me and Jasmine. Me and kitty. Me and Yang. Honey surprising me. Who else, I cannot recall exactly, but it’s a beautiful place to me.

I sit in the cafe, alone. A couple too intimate just next to me, revolting me and as if mocking me and my memories of you and me. I drink my coffee out of the paper cup, it is too hot. I do not see the mocha, the pleasingly colour. My drink stays too hot for too long, having a plastic cover lid. I do not take the ice water, like the times I did for you. I take a magazine, a first too. I pay no attention to the calming interior- the soft lights, the wooden floors, the comfortable seat. I do not enjoy the sentimental songs like you always do, because I am plugged in to my radio.

I finished my work, made my way to school. I wish you were here with you, but although the place still exists, maybe the way I do things unintentionally has changed for a reason.

I am missing you- that was what flooded my water gates. I think, that it used to be just a dial on my mobile, and we are connected. The hours are always wonderful, you are special. I tired dialling your number, although I know it’s useless.

Maybe a failed romance, or rather, whatever it may be since it’s not even past the dating stage, made me look back in the things I tried to hide. I used my crush to be You, I wanted him to make me happy like you do. I wanted everything you gave me, and when you were gone, I channeled my energy into deceive, that my crush was as good as you- distracted by a new person in my life.

But I realised, your importance, that you are not replaceable.

The camera I took pictures with you would be returned to Jess in an hour or so-

And the only physical object closes this chapter, both guys in my life, interwined by a camera and the images are gone, the camera back to its owner, and I sit here, wishing that I could have what I wanted.

If you stare blankly without focusing on anything in particular, the light rays from lamps seemed to grow bigger and bigger until your vision is blurred and you’re forced to either carry on and enjoy the overblinding occurence, or you blink, and things go back to normal.

Back from class chalet. I cannot say I had a rocking good time, but I did enjoy being with my classmates, just the haziness of a particular light object as above mentioned made things too normal, and I wish I could go back to the little dream world by spacing out. That I could have my scenario as much as I liked, as long as I liked.

I didn’t drown in my sorrows, for I had my two “boobies”, Kitty and Jas. Boobies, because I keep calling them “pair” in chinese. I had Timmy who God knows how long since I saw him… Honey…

Got a little drunk… not enough to plant a kiss on someone’s cheek during our game of Truth or Dare.

Ate meat, because I am hungry and it is impossible to seperate the miniscule pieces in fried rice.

Maybe I am doing something rash because I am unhappy. Still, IG’s chalet will be in my heart, for years to come. The night it was shattered into pieces, holding on to the very just.

Out for the whole of last night shooting photos-

I love being with you guys. I feel safe and well equipped. My batteries that ran out- you had. Someone had a map. We all look out for one another, and it’s like one big rocking family.

Oh and Shah shot a ghost or something. Spooky!

From the begining of our adventure: a madcap rush to get san franciso coffee, sadly to no avail, to many cigs to many shots.

I am sick of photography- or my lousy camera. It’s not even mine- so sorry Jess and Cam but I freaking hate Nikon. No flash= unless you have an arm that doesn’t have pulse and muscles running through it, camera states every picture as blurry. You tell me how can a camera on a tripod be blurry?!? Of course the fact we aren’t allowed to use flash makes cameras sensitive, but nikon is like extreme.

I want a camera of my own- but I am really thankful to Cam Honey who supplied me with her great camera blurry-prone withstanding. I don’t know how I can survive school without you.

Dinner at Marina food loft- the view is excellent- as good as it gets. Had the best plate of vegetarian hor fun IN MY LIFE.

Esplanade roof top, Shah joining us. Walking to clarke quay… china town… raffles place… back to esplanade again.
Had a frigging cockroach on my feet when we were in chinatown’s 7-11. I hate china town. It’s sucky- there were hoes at the mac’s we took a break for awhile, countless taxis stopping for us, nothing to shoot, frigging cockroach land I tell you.
Slept at esplanade stone bench, with crush’s oh so warm windbreaker. Woken up to snap more pics, home.

It didn’t feel like 14 hours… it felt like one of the best times of my lives, when I can look back and smile fondly.

Maybe God made me go through some stuff, and ending up in Nafa so I could have you guys. But I am so grateful. And happy. To you all who know you rock my world- I LOVE YOU!!!

Crying out love in the centre of the world- a novel I would like to read.

Browsing in bookstores, walking in the rain. Star gazing. Beach strolling. Chain smoking. Coffee drinking. Getting a flower. *coughs.

Clubbing, getting drunk. Mahjong and YZ and Nick and Jy. Movie- going. More of my sista Jessica. And Fang, Jun, Gina darl.

Sitting down at the airport, where I last lost you. Or to be more specific, started to lose you.

Shop, go to far flung places. See Cam Honey and Jas Jam ( a new nick for you!) and Kitty so much I will get sick of them. (I doubt so.) I need my Honey and Jam and Kitty daily!

Irrelevant note, I never thought I would lust after branded goods, but I wish I had a chanel quilted bag… and as I mentally calculated how long before I would get $2000 for one, I was like, Oh. My. God. That’s why you should never say never. But needing a camera for school is enough to saddle me down. And my expenses. Horrifying.

things to do in my wonderful holidays, starting from tomorrow. Oh of course I have lurking projects to be done too.

That the two loves of my life, to be precise, unrequited love really… are talking to me… while I take my time to reply them.

When I was bending over backwards for you, you took me for granted, as if I was flexible. But even the flexible curve breaks.

When I made my days free for you, I was left alone with half hearted excuses. Now you ask me out… and I am too busy for you.

I used to wait for your replys… now your msgs go unanswered.

You used to make my day… now you’re just a small part of my life, when you pop in to interact with me, like how I bump into faceless commuters.

Yes, you may mean the world to me at one point or another in the past… but I know now… you’re just another someone to me. And you give a wreary smile at the times that has faded… and nothing remains but a melancholic tinge of what could have been, but no regrets, for I did what I could, and now you have lost me.

It is 3pm on a Saturday afternoon. I am fatigued… but happy since it’s my first Saturday off… I have quit my last job, jobless. Oh how “vacation-ny” it feels.

Getting emotional, I refuse to add a category marked as ‘Emo’ under my categories. For adding one means I have the option of filling posts as emo, and I despise the term, for misery is a state you choose to, when you can be happy. It’s been more then a week…

I am cautious of treading in these murky waters- you could get drowned in the infinite pool of unhappiness, I almost did.

And the quiet drizzle outside conveys my hidden emotions, I cannot cry anymore because my tears have stopped. I do not lose appetite anymore, because my hunger has resumed. I do not despair… but somehow there is a tear.

3 pm melancholy… but as the hour goes by, so must I move on, the upset remains, but swept under the flurry of remains.

Mommy showed me my phone bill… a whimsical smile at the oversees call charges. Global, like how you are to me now.

I hope one day it’s like back not too long ago again.

One day we’ll look back and still laugh.

Everyday going to class is a big rocking party. My friends know me, my vulgar side, bad side, sad side, wild side etc etc. Jas Tim Kitty Fiz Yang Shah Nana Yunyuan Barren… and of course, my CAMMY HONEY!!! Super srrweet lo, lend me camera immed when I was fretting over it, and of course many more la. Rocking “date” today. Hehe. Somemore feature me. ahahahaha.

Jas wrote in her blog how she loves school cuz we make her laugh. Yes, china girl, we love you too.

Lalalalalalala. I thought I would never know happiness again when you left… but my friends filled it up so well it overflows.

Says this girl who hollers “YOU DUNO ME YOU DUN EVEN CARE OOH YEAH.”

Buttons, cammy honey is influencing me.

You know you’re not as dependant when you can take the train home yourself and be fine and not feel lost.

Thank you God for blessing me with my bitches and rocking class.

Oh and I got a B- for my work. SECOND HIGHEST IN CLASS WOR. Dun say I am hao lian ok…. it came as a boost cuz I got the lowest (a C) in my 2D+Drawing shit class yesterday.

Fiesta Freaking Fun.

HAPPY.

I had the best days of my life, ever since he walked back into mine.

18th birthday, orientation yesterday. Fantastic celebration, jack’s place dinner with him, and celebrated actual bday with him which is the best. My Bestie surprised me, by running in front of me when I was going to the toilet and he was waiting for me outside. That silly girl was lurking in my school area, then town, then near my home cuz I kept changing my plans for the whole day after my orientation and she and yan had were led on a wild goose chase, as unintentionally as it was because she wanted to surprise me, though it delighted me to no end because simply it showed her thoughtfulness. I wish he could see he really made it very very special, it was special and great because of him.

I had him, I had my bestie and yan on my birthday who presented a monkey toy and topshop card. I had my family cutting cake and singing bday song for me, all friends sending their greetings at midnight of my birthday. I had my poly friends celebrating for me with surprise cake and song on Friday. I had my new classmates and friends singing the bday song for me.

My buddies did not even wish me, just one greeting from ben, but it’s greetings at 12 that are supposed to be.

But anyway…. I smile to myself in the mirror when I wake up, I smile in my heart when I work. You are my happiness… I do not dare to write more, for fear for jinxing it.

My 18th birthday rocked so hard.

Look what Inter Milan sent to me!!!! Figo remembered!!! HAHAHA.

Beliefs that One Life, live it- every single day is a meaningful one: To strive and excel and achieve dreams- massive words, enormous efforts but a single mindset boiled down to a word: determination

Acquaintances whom you know somehow, you want to be part of your life and are already formed

Re-kindling friends whom you’ve somehow lost contact with, a second chance to make you realise the love for them and the bond you have

Chemistry the essential spark

Painful memories when you realise, the old is simply that, because they’ve failed. Maybe you were at fault too… but stepping back you still saw why it went wrong- it wasn’t your fault

Talking to a D on the phone is surreal- amazing how he still speaks to me-

It’s okay to fucking hate the world sometimes, but kick the black cloud away… Being happy, is letting go of negative things. I’m not perfect, but I’ve learnt more then I could ever wanted, what I need at the very least.