Apparently people
one of whom I regard close to my heart and important, said I’ve changed. Just because I inhale Nicotine more, means I have changed. Just because I have tuned out nonsense and learned not to take things to heart which I did a year ago and got into depression and was the biggest pessimistic bitch ever in my life, and now I am rather optimistic, a word I swore is not applicable to me at least half a year ago means, tada, not the old becca but a CHANGED one.
Maybe I should have mentioned the fact I am a Christian. Because if I smoke and it is enough for you to think I have changed, then being a Christian meant I am more different and have, that’s right, CHANGED.
I am hurt to think, you think I am this “grown up” person with an escaptist attitude. These past days were nice, because it was almost like when we were close.
I am too exhausted to chase after you. I hope you would wake up and see things. That my life is finally going somewhere, my dreams are near. That it is comfortable, not the best, but I can smile, without feeling rotten and knowing I wouldn’t cry in the dark because I hated myself and the world and wanted to die everyday.
*
Today I missed school because I couldn’t wake up on time. In my dreams I had a husband whom I was in his lap, and he held me while I lied on his shoulder. But I knew I didn’t love him, he didn’t gaze at me with adoring eyes, but the aloofness macho man did. My heart panged, because it wasn’t love, but security that drove me in his arms.
Waking up, and knowing, it’s still hollow. I miss you so much, everyday.
*
Jess and I have been having rendezvous nightly, almost for the past weeks. And we kept going to the teh tarik place, where there is a glass panel behond the cashier, with a golden haired youth doing the dishes who would stare at us when we bought our drinks.
Today the boy smiled and waved at me. Haha. And asked for my number. So funny. A smile on my face, because his candidness is adorable.
No I am not dating him or gave him my number, but it’s adorable he gestured to his co worker I smiled at him when he waved so happily.
2 iced teh tarik, a half eaten red bean bun and the best sister I ever have. Nope, not at the teh tarik place.
Things, I hope, are falling back into place. 
