Springbonjo

I had the best days of my life, ever since he walked back into mine.

18th birthday, orientation yesterday. Fantastic celebration, jack’s place dinner with him, and celebrated actual bday with him which is the best. My Bestie surprised me, by running in front of me when I was going to the toilet and he was waiting for me outside. That silly girl was lurking in my school area, then town, then near my home cuz I kept changing my plans for the whole day after my orientation and she and yan had were led on a wild goose chase, as unintentionally as it was because she wanted to surprise me, though it delighted me to no end because simply it showed her thoughtfulness. I wish he could see he really made it very very special, it was special and great because of him.

I had him, I had my bestie and yan on my birthday who presented a monkey toy and topshop card. I had my family cutting cake and singing bday song for me, all friends sending their greetings at midnight of my birthday. I had my poly friends celebrating for me with surprise cake and song on Friday. I had my new classmates and friends singing the bday song for me.

My buddies did not even wish me, just one greeting from ben, but it’s greetings at 12 that are supposed to be.

But anyway…. I smile to myself in the mirror when I wake up, I smile in my heart when I work. You are my happiness… I do not dare to write more, for fear for jinxing it.

My 18th birthday rocked so hard.

Look what Inter Milan sent to me!!!! Figo remembered!!! HAHAHA.

The sweetness just for a moment- den you spit out the remains

What? You sucked out all the flavour, nothing but a sticky debri.

*

Been spending money like water on starbucks, well at least I sorta befriended a barista at my starbucks, let’s hope he’d give me discounts like nobody’s business too.

Beliefs that One Life, live it- every single day is a meaningful one: To strive and excel and achieve dreams- massive words, enormous efforts but a single mindset boiled down to a word: determination

Acquaintances whom you know somehow, you want to be part of your life and are already formed

Re-kindling friends whom you’ve somehow lost contact with, a second chance to make you realise the love for them and the bond you have

Chemistry the essential spark

Painful memories when you realise, the old is simply that, because they’ve failed. Maybe you were at fault too… but stepping back you still saw why it went wrong- it wasn’t your fault

Talking to a D on the phone is surreal- amazing how he still speaks to me-

It’s okay to fucking hate the world sometimes, but kick the black cloud away… Being happy, is letting go of negative things. I’m not perfect, but I’ve learnt more then I could ever wanted, what I need at the very least.

I got what I asked for- happiness comes and I hope it stays.

:D

Thank you God for blessing me with a great friend, JY, KC and Hawk, for planning the cake and surprise, and his friends- Leo who treated me to the XMEN movie, Nic, YZ, and my AB11 class who exlaimed surprise when they saw me, and for bleeting out the song so lustily in front of the whole world when JY re-appeared from “meeting a friend” with my cake etc.

I’m exhausted, pics of today to be uploaded.

I know I’m gonna have some minor celebrations from JY when I drop by school tomorrow- he say he’s going to give me something from them all.

Prior to this, I wasn’t too happy when I said I was going back to school and JY says he’s not free after that, since tomorrow is TP’s fundraising thing day, and when I met up with a coursemate sometime back, offering to catch up and she asked me to come on the fundraising day.

What do I want from you all?

I don’t want anything- object or your company?

Company.

I have a confession to make (to which all fellow Foo Fighters Fans would sing the next line, but this is not it)- I love watching SuperNanny.

I don’t think I would have the heart to smack so cute little boys (I’m not a pedophile)… but it made me realise I do have a soft spot for kids after all. And that kids really need and want love, alot of attention.

I’m thinking the show is starting to get stale as much as a new found affection for the starring characters- see, the show goes like this:

nanny observes only for first day,
nanny reprimands/lectures parents who screw up by their methods,
nanny sets up ground rules, nanny intereferes and corrects little devils behaviour,
family goes out for outing when some improvements are made,
nanny leaves the family for a week to carry out her methods
kids go back to old ways and parents too
nanny corrects the mistakes
happy family yay.

Okay, so dun need to watch so much tv already.

Lunch: Diet lemon coke, pancake- and a friend who I hadn’t seen for ages, funnily enough the same period as D. She has a girlfriend, we catch up. It’s lovely how we are so comfortable and at ease with each other. 80% straight is my reply when she quizes on my sexual orientation: I’m not too sure either, how do I define it exactly?

Oh it was fantastic being with her- chats and all. Laughing, and she says I laugh so undaintily, spoiling my image.

I end up going to the movies alone, she’s sorry she couldn’t go with me but I understand. I felt free, it’s a first for me. Msged a few friends, but as usual everyone was either busy or non existent.

I must say it was refreshing sitting in the dark by myself, and I enjoyed it. I have gone out by myself, but I usually make a run to the library and home. Never specifically out to just wander and catch a movie.

I wondered if the ticketer was thinking “Loser” when I said ticket for one. I saw his eyes widen just the very so by surprise. Uneasiness a little when I saw how couples here and there, more people then what I had expected on a weekday afternoon.

Not talking, and doing things at my pace. Coffee run, because I am just so on time for Over the Hedge. Seated, sandwiched between couples, but not lonely, just alone. Laughing to myself at the very funny parts, but not minding it. Browsing stores, FINALLY FINDING SAN FRANSCIO COFFEE!!! but not tasting exactly like my KL coffee. Melancholic as I wandered places I hadn’t been to… for almost half a year now.

Headache from caffeine overdose, home.

I had a good day… so why is it the song Hate me by Blue October appealed so much… struck the core… of my hypocritical heart.

[message on voicemail:] Hi Justin! This is your mother it is 2:33 on Monday afternoon. I was just calling to see how you were doing. You sounded really uptight last night, it made me a little nervous, and a little, well it made me nervous, but it sounded like you were nervous too. I just want to make sure you are really okay and wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication too. You know I love ya and take care honey. See ya. Bye Bye!

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There’s a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? it is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “how can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

WHY THE FUCK DOES A RANDOM FREN WANT YOUR NUMBER INSTEAD OF MINE?!?!?!

Seems like everyone prefers you to me.

I AM GOING OUT ON A MOVIE ON MY OWN.

It’s my first.

Updated:

Okay, not so random friend is going to be my company. Haha.

Funny how the tv doesn’t appeal as much… Nothing good on, hooked on Desperate Housewives on the computer. Wanderlust fulfilled by books- landscape? design? books…

Escapism is a prominent way of life.

These few days have been hard to sleep… My bed time has been pushed till dawn yet again.

Yesterday when I was intoxicated with caffeine, but still very tired, I tried to sleep. There was rain, and the therapeutic sounds we all love to hear not to mention cooling weather to be grateful for your blankets. I was comfortable, snug in my sheets. Everything, but I couldn’t sleep. I got out of the bed reluctantly- and when hours later on the brink of dawn I was finally ready for sleep, the rain had long stopped.

I saw two little boys on the bus home today after running some errands, taking a seat behind one of them, because they were seated seperately, diagonally from each other with the aisle in between. I was dreading them to be a nuisance, but they had oh so cute faces anyway. But to my pleasant surprise, both took out books after a few stops of playing some not really very noisy games and chats. The boy to my left had a book, the back cover a picture of a blurb. In the blurb were the words “Cut”.

A few months ago, cut meant something else to me. Today it was like a shadow of the past-

Just a few more days to go- goodbye slacking days and hello hectic life, school and work. I must say I wouldn’t miss it much.

*

I won’t make them the priority anymore… but rather.

You wana know what I really feel? Busy? Busy my FUCKING ASS. Oh how horrible blah blah blaaaaaaaaah.

*

I dream of more overseas trips. A foreign land, a foreign place. At least you know you’re far… far from this. I felt the same peaceful feeling as I walked a big space of people- a little snobbishly comparing it to places I’ve been.

I wish to travel forever.