Springbonjo

Tonight I don’t want anything but for the reassurance everything’s gonna be okay. Gastric attacks distract me- stress engulfing me. A sudden spin of unhappiness- it’s like a whirlwind typhoon. The weatherman didn’t know, it suddenly rained and gushed on you all.

Go shelter, let Mother Nature rant her anger. Remember what a bitch she is, so unpredictable.

You didn’t take care of her… so she won’t of you.

Don’t you dare lash out, she’s oblivious to you. She can’t hear you anymore, wait till the storm is over for your turn to speak. Speak, speak- as if it’s gonna work. In the aftermath you’re searing in anger, of unjustified betrayal.

It wasn’t a promise, it was a convenant. The balance has been broken, and each hated one another.

I feel like vomitting now, pain as each wave of hurts and hits.

A great annoucement befell the City of Deniers as the people of Deniers gathered at the town square. The King of all Denial was to make the ultimate new Life Changing plan. The Deniers were nervous, wasn’t their life so perfect? I mean, to deny all shit and to pretend for every single fucking little thing as they please, as they wish! You can imagine the sculpted life each man could live. To make others a scapegoat and pull wool over their eyes, cover them in lies and let them drown in their ignorance.

The King wept and broke down suddenly at the raised stage he was standing above them all, the Deniers loved and loathed tears. It was crocodiles’ tears! How convincing! Each Denier mentally took note of the precise and exact measurement of emotion the King displayed. Then as it went on, far too long, far too deep, each Denier shifted uneasily. It couldn’t be real… their life was suited for a lifetime of denying. Never to accept the truth.

With not words, but bodies of the royal family carried out as the King gestured to his subjects when the murmurs of the crowd grew louder as to why the reason for his wailings, each body horribly blackened, decomposing with disease as the crowd gasped in horror of sickening realisation.

The King killed for pleasure, and as the shock overwhelmed, all Deniers fell to the ground, simultaneously. It wasn’t the sight that took their last, it was a cold calculated plan.

With the mass of bodies displayed at his feet, the King stood above all once more. He was the lone figure, the survivor.

The King of all Denial, he smiled, and basked in his glory alone.

Oh how I would like to fulfil every single thing I’d like. There’s a thousand desires, but unevitably two outcomes- either you’d fulfil it or not.

I always would like to run a marathon, but being the lazy bitch I am, I just haven’t got to running for months now. I like running, it makes me feel free. Nothing but a stamina shortchanged body to scream STOP TORTURING ME! THE COUCH AND I ARE SO MEANT TO BE! and my mind like, Eh, I thought running look easy… how come the fat aunties (middle aged women) all run faster then me… and the scrawny nerd… and the geeky girl… and the old ah pek who is so steady and fit even though he is so old to enough be my great great grand-daddy… fuck… even the little uns run past me.

So you see why I avoid running at all. Doesn’t matter if they are young or old, fat or skinny, fit or not, they all will outrun me anyhow. Bah. Okay, I’m bullshitting too much, the stadium is too far.

*
I miss the boys. Boys because, I’d haven’t let go totally, but I know I should and I’m trying to damn it. And so I’m still hanging on, but it’s just a matter of time.

*

RAAAAAAAAHS. As of tomorrow, I’d be a confirmed NAFA student once I’d hand in my fees. Welcome artsy student life. Here’s to a new start, but trying to vamp up me life currently till then.

I think the first year would be crappy, cuz I’d only get to major in my second year and do foundation studies (the basics) in my first year. WAIT A MINUTE, ISN’T THAT FAMILIAR! TP reminiscent. Oh dear.

But I’ve been to NAFA for registration and all now a couple of times so have checked out the place pretty much… and the crowd seems pretty good looking… at least for School of Visual Arts (my school)… and darl says it’s openly gay. WTH, don’t be surprised if I start hanging out with too many girls for too many days.

*
I’m so sick of coffee.

If I had a stick for my back, I’d fucking break it. FUCK YOU, BACK! ALWAYS TIRE ME DOWN.

Then again, scolding my back is like scolding myself, cuz the word back is like a bomerang, and it all boils down so fittingly back to me.

So silly.

My head hurts, my stomach is having the runs again. My mind is restless, my mouth turned a constant upside down, only my s0ul is soothed by a current favourite song Savin’ Me by Nickelback on the radio.

I was having a dream- I was planning a binge even in my dream. I wanted to eat fries, I was going to take a bite of the fries from Long John’s when I was dragged back into reality. My colleague calling and waking me up from my sleep, asking me to take over her shift. Working exhausts me. I hesistate because I was supposed to go to church… but church doesn’t exhaust me. I was like, damn it, I so want fries now. But now I don’t.

I’m still looking for another job to sap every energy I have. Sure, it’d lead to another breakdown because I really can’t be too tired out, but at least my mind is surprisingly free. Let my body break, as long as the soul is free.

Food: 2 bowls maple pecan cereal, 1 coffee.

Yest: 2 cartons carrot juice, 1 an-pan bread, 1 can coffee.
day before: 1 cream raisin pastry, 1 energy drink, 2 cans coffee,
mon: 1beer, 2 cans coffee, 1 can veg soup.

You can see I’m barely eating nowadays, waking up and working the whole day. Bingeing doesn’t count. Oh and did I mention I lost like, 2 kg from my bout of diarrhea. Goodie.