Springbonjo

In a drunken rage, he crushed the can with an odd satisfaction and hurled it against the door. Adding on was the fact it bounced off his target, way off. It didn’t feel good, because much of the force had been converted to the kinetics of the can, and what he saw of the impact was a weak thud as the can hit the door and fell to the ground, rolling away feebly.

It was his first, alcohol as it began. He remembered things were simple- he thought the smile meant he was something special. Oh the foolishness of perceptions which reveal a blinding harsh truth. The smile was a mere twitch of muscle by that party, he happened to be in sight. It wasn’t specially for him, it was him who wanted it to be for him.

Shaking off the blurring feeling, forcing the flat taste down. It was bitter, biting bitter that made all senses scream for something sweet. He swallowed it down, thinking

If I can take the bitterness, maybe it would relieve my agony.

But of course it didn’t, and he wondered with the empty can, as if it could explain to him.

To be continued.

In my mind, images haunt me. The things I don’t want to see- like how the crazy academic would see a red F on a test, the zealous lover catching his partner with another, the demanding parent who realised their child didn’t live up to their expectations, the best friend betraying you or the death of a beloved pet when it meant the world to you. Each of us has a dreaded scenario, we all run away from the “What if-s”, because it is too terrible, even the thought of it shatters us.

But you know when it hits you, when the worst of your nightmares come true, it’s all the same. How you simply do not react at all for the initial shock renders you senseless. It then simply branches into two: Some may be calm, the others go into hysterics. Anger or sadness, but both in hand. Whatever it is, after it hits you, it gets in your blood stream, as much as the initial bliss of feeling numb. You get mad, then sad. Then it starts to hurt like hell- grief.

It may be in the form of bad news- the devoted lover who is worried sick about her boy in the army; the brave patriotic fighting for his country, only to be honoured when he is nothing but a shell, a businessman who recieve news about the stock market crashing, the working mom who got fired who is the sole breadwinner of four children who needed to be fed and schooled. The reactions are all the same, the devastation.

I wish you well if you had hard news-

The rumble of the skies above, the pattering of the raindrops outside. Sometimes I feel like not closing the windows and letting the rain get in- I want to see how wet can it get-

I asked for nicotine patches and the pharmacist was like, How old are you??? Haha, means I look YOUNG and ppl still call me “Miss” contrary to what I dread. I’m age- sensitive alright. And in case you’re wondering the nic patch, well it’s for people- I discovered more then one person around me has been smoking all these while. I’m thinking of fagging too- just cuz I want to.

KL trip- but kinda blew it off, since I don’t think there’ll be veg. Went to see doc- I think he sucked, cuz I told him I was constantly fatigued and he was like “Ok, give you some vitamins” but didn’t even bother to tell me why.

I hope if it’s a terminal illness, you’d be the one I’d sue your ass off. I wonder how doctors like these got their degrees.

The sound of cars passing by on the wet roads, it’s comforting.

Soundtracks I adore currently:

I love Embrace, previous songs by them such as Gravity is as beautiful as this one.

Nature’s Law
by Embrace (UK)

You should never fight your feelings,
When your very bones believe them,
You should never fight your feelings,
I have to follow nature’s law.

One feat U2 by Mary J.Blige- I think I’m starting to like Mary J. Blige- love her voice.

Say something by Mariah Carey feat. Snoop Dogg

Savin’ me by Nickelback

I decided I love RnB and hiphop still despite the very not so good values and messages behind them- people are not as pure as I imagined, so vice it up.

I’m having diarrhea- went coffee crazy, and I heard this friend in my clique has been spreading rumors about me and another guy- apparently we have something going on.

There is nothing to piss me off better then to spread untrue things about me. He didn’t pick up my calls for me to clarify stuff, instead he told Ben I scolded him. Yes, by calling him when he didn’t even pick up, and not replying a polite msg, it’s considered “SCOLD”.

I have no time and energy to entertain him- I can call him a dozen names but I know you’d be pissed off cuz he’s your best friend.

I’m close to breaking point- work is draining me. Not enough sleep drives me crazy- the household seems to be reliant on me, and after a long day seeing the piled up dishes and laundry to be done and hung out. You can throw the clothes on the floor, repeatedly swear as you snub your ingrown toenail countless times, throw things around to vent your frustrations, that is, if throwing clothes are a dangerous sign of anger management. Laughing so hard at some lame programme named Word’s Craziest videos, then finding yourself shedding tears as abruptly. Having a sick stomach and not being able to eat, because you’re sick of all the nonsense. And when you do, you just undo it.

Not enough sleep- I’m so scared of relapsing.

*

Regarding some confession of mine to you, I cannot dictate how exactly. I can’t possibly tell you everything, spell everything for you. The fact you need to ask so much, shows it’s not mutual. I can’t possibly refer, cross refer to the one you think you like.

No matter what, to like is to be in hand with pain and hurt. It’s my own doing- I don’t want your guilt. I don’t even know what’s your answer. But I choose to leave it, not returning to it anymore.

*

Power is strength over time, as Oprah says. I sure hope it does for me.

*

Tired physically, shattered and bruised mentally. There doesn’t seem to be much meaning, other then slogging on, shutting out everything and feel nothing.