Train ride
I gaze out of the window by my seat on the train to the foreign landscape, my stomach empty but not hungry. The scenery that sped me by- it’s really me speeding by since I’m on the train, but still- it is oddly comforting; things change too quickly for it to capture a place in your heart. Flash, you blink and the momentary vision of what you see in sight is gone. You blink and you’re not sure if it was true, that whether you had indeed seen it or it was just a figment of your imagination.
Thoughts flood my mind. My spirit is cowering- I thought I knew you, how wrong and self-assuming I was. A commuter walks past my seat and I glower with displeasure. Out of the corner of my eye, I knew he was looking at me. It should be a crime to even look, what an invasion of privacy. I hated him there and then although I didn’t know him at all- because I never know what he would be thinking as he judged me, and that itself is enough a reason to give a scowl to a total stranger who may have just casted a harmless gaze while passing by.
I return back to my thoughts, thoughts that taunt me as vivid memories, recounting events as clearly as they happened to affirm your assumptions, or to prove you wrong entirely.
I had been living in a world of my own, to assume and be selfish. I thought I was important enough to you- my words carried enough weight, but evidently not. I didn’t mean to stress you, I just wanted you to tell me, whatever I was upset about I was the one who meant alot more then that girl who just knew you. I have no right to keep repeating the subject you tried your best to explain to me it wasn’t what it seemed- but it made me uncontrollably jealous, and I could only convey my suffocating hurt like that. I wanted to be the one whose words carried weight, but then again you kept reiterating it wasn’t your choice. Still, the picture is frustratingly vivid and detailed- things that provoke your emotions stay painfully clear.
With a sudden jerk of my head, to try to look back at the scenery that passed me by. Its for a split second of frentic looking back, desperate clingling on to the moment, before the train travels onward as always, and the scenery you tried so hard to remember is now what you left behind.
Looking back to remember what I saw- but nothing stays and nothing remains, but just resentfully knowing nothing lasted for you, nothing stayed for you.
