Springbonjo

The words “Everything’s gonna be alright, rocka-bye” along to a song I never remembered the title but loved the tune, caress my weary soul.

Back hurts till I feel it throbbing mind you.

One more day to ulimate slackdom. Working doesn’t help in my dieting- I eat more cuz I starve myself during work as there is nothing I can eat, binge at the end of the day.

So tired… so… peaceful. I don’t have the energy but to perform basic functions of bathing, and then sleep, no little fucktards to mess with my mind, I cannot be bothered.

One more day.

Just so If you wana know, I got my just desserts- back is totally killing me today; sitting at the comp all day yesterday and work today aggravated it like hell. It’s not like I’m not gonna treat it, but tomorrow work starts at 11am, and even though my mama wanted to bring me go see our physician when I bitched about it, we don’t know if the physician would be in at 9am which would be nicely in time for me to have my back treated and be on time for work, although the dad says the place opens at 9am.

And you know me… I need my sleep. I’m working tomorrow too. Monday is a public holiday, not sure if it will be open.

MEINU DUN ANGRY ME ALR OK. Anyway I am still angry with you… You still wana think “You are you (my problems), and I is me (your problems)” den fine, doesn’t matter if my back kills me.

Tonight I don’t want anything but for the reassurance everything’s gonna be okay. Gastric attacks distract me- stress engulfing me. A sudden spin of unhappiness- it’s like a whirlwind typhoon. The weatherman didn’t know, it suddenly rained and gushed on you all.

Go shelter, let Mother Nature rant her anger. Remember what a bitch she is, so unpredictable.

You didn’t take care of her… so she won’t of you.

Don’t you dare lash out, she’s oblivious to you. She can’t hear you anymore, wait till the storm is over for your turn to speak. Speak, speak- as if it’s gonna work. In the aftermath you’re searing in anger, of unjustified betrayal.

It wasn’t a promise, it was a convenant. The balance has been broken, and each hated one another.

I feel like vomitting now, pain as each wave of hurts and hits.

A great annoucement befell the City of Deniers as the people of Deniers gathered at the town square. The King of all Denial was to make the ultimate new Life Changing plan. The Deniers were nervous, wasn’t their life so perfect? I mean, to deny all shit and to pretend for every single fucking little thing as they please, as they wish! You can imagine the sculpted life each man could live. To make others a scapegoat and pull wool over their eyes, cover them in lies and let them drown in their ignorance.

The King wept and broke down suddenly at the raised stage he was standing above them all, the Deniers loved and loathed tears. It was crocodiles’ tears! How convincing! Each Denier mentally took note of the precise and exact measurement of emotion the King displayed. Then as it went on, far too long, far too deep, each Denier shifted uneasily. It couldn’t be real… their life was suited for a lifetime of denying. Never to accept the truth.

With not words, but bodies of the royal family carried out as the King gestured to his subjects when the murmurs of the crowd grew louder as to why the reason for his wailings, each body horribly blackened, decomposing with disease as the crowd gasped in horror of sickening realisation.

The King killed for pleasure, and as the shock overwhelmed, all Deniers fell to the ground, simultaneously. It wasn’t the sight that took their last, it was a cold calculated plan.

With the mass of bodies displayed at his feet, the King stood above all once more. He was the lone figure, the survivor.

The King of all Denial, he smiled, and basked in his glory alone.

Oh how I would like to fulfil every single thing I’d like. There’s a thousand desires, but unevitably two outcomes- either you’d fulfil it or not.

I always would like to run a marathon, but being the lazy bitch I am, I just haven’t got to running for months now. I like running, it makes me feel free. Nothing but a stamina shortchanged body to scream STOP TORTURING ME! THE COUCH AND I ARE SO MEANT TO BE! and my mind like, Eh, I thought running look easy… how come the fat aunties (middle aged women) all run faster then me… and the scrawny nerd… and the geeky girl… and the old ah pek who is so steady and fit even though he is so old to enough be my great great grand-daddy… fuck… even the little uns run past me.

So you see why I avoid running at all. Doesn’t matter if they are young or old, fat or skinny, fit or not, they all will outrun me anyhow. Bah. Okay, I’m bullshitting too much, the stadium is too far.

*
I miss the boys. Boys because, I’d haven’t let go totally, but I know I should and I’m trying to damn it. And so I’m still hanging on, but it’s just a matter of time.

*

RAAAAAAAAHS. As of tomorrow, I’d be a confirmed NAFA student once I’d hand in my fees. Welcome artsy student life. Here’s to a new start, but trying to vamp up me life currently till then.

I think the first year would be crappy, cuz I’d only get to major in my second year and do foundation studies (the basics) in my first year. WAIT A MINUTE, ISN’T THAT FAMILIAR! TP reminiscent. Oh dear.

But I’ve been to NAFA for registration and all now a couple of times so have checked out the place pretty much… and the crowd seems pretty good looking… at least for School of Visual Arts (my school)… and darl says it’s openly gay. WTH, don’t be surprised if I start hanging out with too many girls for too many days.

*
I’m so sick of coffee.

If I had a stick for my back, I’d fucking break it. FUCK YOU, BACK! ALWAYS TIRE ME DOWN.

Then again, scolding my back is like scolding myself, cuz the word back is like a bomerang, and it all boils down so fittingly back to me.

So silly.

My head hurts, my stomach is having the runs again. My mind is restless, my mouth turned a constant upside down, only my s0ul is soothed by a current favourite song Savin’ Me by Nickelback on the radio.

I was having a dream- I was planning a binge even in my dream. I wanted to eat fries, I was going to take a bite of the fries from Long John’s when I was dragged back into reality. My colleague calling and waking me up from my sleep, asking me to take over her shift. Working exhausts me. I hesistate because I was supposed to go to church… but church doesn’t exhaust me. I was like, damn it, I so want fries now. But now I don’t.

I’m still looking for another job to sap every energy I have. Sure, it’d lead to another breakdown because I really can’t be too tired out, but at least my mind is surprisingly free. Let my body break, as long as the soul is free.

Food: 2 bowls maple pecan cereal, 1 coffee.

Yest: 2 cartons carrot juice, 1 an-pan bread, 1 can coffee.
day before: 1 cream raisin pastry, 1 energy drink, 2 cans coffee,
mon: 1beer, 2 cans coffee, 1 can veg soup.

You can see I’m barely eating nowadays, waking up and working the whole day. Bingeing doesn’t count. Oh and did I mention I lost like, 2 kg from my bout of diarrhea. Goodie.

I wish we’re talking on the phone. Today a figure walked past the shop and my heart skipped a beat- I though it was you. But of course not.

I wish you’re all a constant presence in my life… instead of once a week if I’m lucky, twice a month we’re so accommodating, but really in reality, once a month or two because we’re so busy with tom dick and harry in our lives and saving the world, while inventing new boobies for implants.

Then when I snapped and broke down and had some crisis because we all only can contain so much shit because we fucking need to PISS AND SHIT MOTHERFUCKERS, SOONER OR LATER DUH, and you all knew, you all were like, OMG ABCDEFGH I’M SO SORRY I WASN’T THERE FOR YOU! Guilty guilty Why didn’t you tell me its so easy when we’re like there for you TOTALLY instead when we all know you’re being so busy with tom dick and harry in our lives and saving the world, while inventing new boobies for implants while being skinny rich successful and attached. Bullshit, aren’t we, for things are rather the same, cept I learnt to keep sane.

Mom started nagging at me for not eating right. Ben and I are stubborn mules- no one can make us do what we don’t want unless we want to. Maybe I just want to blame her when I’m all sick and dying, she accuses me. Haha, mother, don’t give yourself too much credit. You think I’d burden u down when I’m terminally ill? You haven’t known me much. She made out like I’d get malnutrition tomorrow and die immediately. We got into a fight over me taking her supplements- its fucking gelatin, GELATIN WOMAN! Attacks on my vegetarianism- “You think you’re so noble saving them by refusing to eat meat when you can’t save yourself!”

Like, duh. I AM NOBLE. I spare their lives, and buddists say some shit like Saving lives is better then building 7-storey pagoda, Christ said something too la.

Damn it. Somehow some things don’t go in to your stupid numbskulls.

what doesnt kill u, makes u stronger! says:
i still i can remember during my b day u come, my mom ask who is that girl, cause she notice like quite pretty

Poster Child for Positivity (spirit)- That’s me says:
haha! ok, tts really nice

Poster Child for Positivity (spirit)- That’s me says:
i thnk it was too dark, so ur mom din see properly

what doesnt kill u, makes u stronger! says:
cannot be lah, my mom’s pretty sharp, somemore she never see u before, so she paid extra attention lor

Poster Child for Positivity (spirit)- That’s me says:
haha, okay okay.

*

If only you knew how crazy I dieted, during that. I didn’t eat for days. Nostalgic memories.

Work: Got to know my colleagues better- my boss brought his son in today. His son is the quiet shy kind, maybe around 6 or 7 years old bless his chubby cherub cheeked soul, but opened up enough to show me a few cute magic tricks. If I ever find a good husband, I’d want a little boy of my very own, twins or triplets just like Lynnette in Desperate Housewives. Can tell he loves his son alot, they went to MPH for books, and I was just observing how he taught his son to use the computer. How fatherly sweet.

Maternity urges aside.

I bought a really cute smiley bun from Bread Talk for lunch today. Was exploring the places nearby for food- but other than confectionery shops and 7-11, delifrance and long john silvers and a few restaurants, there’s not much food I can choose from.

Learnt cashiering today. My colleague named Xavier taught me that. Xavier also inhaled some gas- man that guy is so gung-ho, he fricking put the hose thing in his mouth to get the liquid out. He also showed me Google-earth and told me he was allergic to tomatoes.

Home with him on the train, it had some black out. If he was the right person I would have fantasised it must have been some sign we are so meant to be, but all I could think of was- MAN A BLACK OUT ON THE TRAIN! Okay, maybe all the lights execpt for two in my CABIN- couldn’t see the rest of the other cabins, and I SO WANA TAKE A PICTURE.

But I’m 18 soon, and I’m supposed to be level headed and stone hearted, so wise so wise.